Updated: Nov 25, 2020
These are several of the core principles that psychologists, doctors, and the people in the top of their fields have studied and found to all be present in the world's most successful relationships and marriages. I'm Selna Kim - America's Face of Dating and in this coaching article I discuss a man who begins to date the woman of his dreams, but he becomes complacent and almost loses her.
MY RESPONSES = BOLD ITALICS
EMAILER = REGULAR
We've talked in person only once but I wanted to share my journey with you since. If you remember me, my name is TJ and I'm originally from North Dakota. I sell farming equipment. (You must be very wealthy because, I'm not certain, but I heard that North Dakota has a LOT of farming. But from the sounds of it, you're on your mission and doing what you love. That's the most important part is that you tend to enjoy your life more, live with passion, and are excited if you have some sort of purpose. Something that wakes you up early.)
That's actually how I met the woman of my dreams, but it didn't start out that way. I used to be very insecure, needy, clingy and I just got out of a break up when you and me first met. After following your work, I ended up getting engaged to the woman of my dreams a few years later. I dated multiple hot girls, and sometimes a few at a time, but I found this one and she may not be the hottest girl that I've dated but she is the one that I've connected with the most. (You're going to find that as soon as you start applying the techniques and mindsets from my book that your life is never going to be the same. You become higher value, and women sense that. You lose the approval seeking behaviors because you become happier with your life and more content. Women want to be around that. You're also going to find that hot girls aren't all they're cracked up to be. When you see them on Saturday night at 11, you see them at their peak. But when you start hanging out with them on a Wednesday at 2:30 p.m. you see them with no make up, when they bitch about their friends or how bad life sucks, and you're like, "This was really what everyone has been hyping up this whole time?" That's why it's so important to get experience. You don't want to go out and just get married without any knowledge. People today try to force the idea that you're supposed to date one person, be with one person, and that you need to spend your entire life with them. I heard the other day that they view it like survivor where your relationship is going to get boring, tough, and she's going to become a bitch and you're supposed to just tough it out no matter how miserable you are. Just so you can say, "we've been together for our entire lives becuase it's about how long you are with someone not about the depth of love you both share." Fuck that. #Sarcasm)
That's actually where thing started to get tricky because I thought I knew what I was doing, but our relationship spiraled out of control to the point where she wanted to call off the marriage. We were living together, and I thought that I had it all figure out, but I started to become insecure and too clingy again, and fell into a routine. It pushed her away. I knew you could help me with this because you always know what to say. (People tend to ask me: "How do you always know the right things to say?" I've taken so much action in my life, even when I knew that I was most likely fail, but I also knew that if I fail then I'm always going to learn something from it that makes me better in the long run. But i've failed a lot in my life. Success will grow your confidence, but failure will always teach you something. I've lost great people, great women, and great opportunities that only come once in a lifetime and that shit stings. I also had to go through all of that to become the man that I am today.)
I also fell into a routine. (That's why I put a warning in my book that this stuff will make your dream woman fall in love with you, but relationships aren't a game. So, if you don't take the time to learn the relationship principles I put in the last 3 or 4 chapters of my book, and you're in a scenario that you really do love her, then that's where you're going to slip up. I get some people who will read the first 8 chapters where it's the club promoting, but then not read the relationship and love story then guess what they say later. Then they go back and read it and are like, "Damn that was actually a really good read." The fear of loss is very strong, and things get way harder when feelings are involved. When shit hits the fan, people tend to fall back in to their old habits.)
It does get a lot harder when you're in a relationship versus just hanging out casually and dating women. I do consider this a successful ending, however, since I was about to lose it all but ended up avoiding it by going through your relationship help in your book and articles. I knew I should've just taken the time to read the relationship stuff and practice, but I became lazy. (That's a humbling experience to really realize you've grown lazy and complacent and you're about to lose everything you built up. But I've known some people that lost it all and didn't catch themselves like you have. I'm glad you did so other readers can learn from your mistake.) We've been together for 18 months now and we've never been happier. It took a little while to have her fall back into love with me. I really messed things up, but I took it back slowly, one step at a time, and now she's back to her happy, feminine, and loving self. I'm working on the relationship skills and self-improvement skills. Like you said, "It's never really a destination, but it's a constant journey." (That's true. Once you think you've learned it all and you don't need to keep improving yourself is when you begin to lose yourself. Kind of like what you experienced.)
I know to never fall into a routine, as you talked about in your book. Also, to constantly be growing with her and dating her. I know there's plenty more I need to learn, so I'm looking forward to your insights.
(I took the time to talk to psychologists at some of country's biggest Universities, coaches, and experts in the top of their fields to gather their wisdom about the relationships that are both the happiest and last the longest do ALL of the following 7 Principles:
1. Accept Them For Who They Are - You should never fall in love with someone's potential or who you think they could be. If you choose to love them, love them. If they aren't good for you, don't stick around hoping they change into the person you want. Also, understand that everyone is a work in progress. When you fall in love with potential then you're putting unhealthy expectations on the relationship that are going to strain your "love".
2. Freedom - Expectations are the opposite of freedom because it forces the person to be someone that they may not want to be. All healthy relationships have the freedom to pursue their visions, have their friends & personal lives.
3. Communication - I once heard that every high performing couple will never go to bed still angry at each other. They talk it out before bed. When they are angry, the last thing they want to do is communicate, give, and understand. But being able to communicate your needs to the other person and also understand theirs is the sign of someone ready for a relationship. It takes a mature person to still be able to give to the other person even if they are upset and focus on putting the relationship first over their own needs. Don't punish the other and leave the other in pain.
4. Your Misery Savior Doesn't Exist - Don't get into a relationship because you're lonely and believe the other person will make you happy. It works until it really doesn't work. Basically, when you need someone to make you happy, you require more and more from them until they have nothing more to give. The ending is a train wreck. A successful relationship is when already happy people share their completeness together.
5. NEVER Fall Into A Routine - This one is for you TJ. Growing up, my family would say, "The fire will just burn out." No. You let it burn out. You have failed yourself and your woman when you neglect to give her what she needs and that's constant romance, love, and passion. She is like a flower. You need to constantly water it with your attention, affection, but spontaneous adventurous dates. i.e "Hey babe, pack your bags for 3 days. I'm taking you somewhere for your birthday." She will want to know but don't tell her. Make her wonder. Make it a mystery.
6. Supportive - The most successful relationships that I've seen and currently apart of are incredibly supportive. They stand up for you when others try to put you down. They believe in you. They are your teammate. When you are going through conflict they are there through thick and thin for you.
7. Affection, Vulnerability, Trust, and Openness - She will need affection from you, but she also loves to bond. Bonding includes opening up and being vulnerable. Telling the person stories that you want them to understand and listen to. Also, trusting that they will make the right decision and never take advantage of you. Trusting one another with your openness. Vulnerability is tough especially if you've been hurt before, but relationships need that vulnerability to understand one another on a deeper level.