Updated: Nov 25, 2020
Are you too nice to girls? Have you ever been told, "Let's just be friends"? Been rejected by the girl of your dreams? Well, I'm Selna Kim - America's FACE of Dating and I'm here to give you what's known as the 'Disqualifier' in order to INCREASE. ATTRACTION. NOW.
I received an email from a man in his freshman year of college named Danny who shared one of his most embarrassing moments:
“Selna Kim, I found you online last year after I experienced the most embarrassing moment of my entire life. There was this cheerleader in my classes, and I thought she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. We got put into a group project together and we talked a little bit but I didn't know how to ask her out. I found her after one of the football games, took a picture with her, and that night I made one of the biggest mistakes ever. I put the picture on my instagram, tagged her in it, and asked her to be my girlfriend in a few sentences. She dm'd me and told me to delete it. Everyone at my University was making fun of me for days and it still gets brought up today. I feel like I haven't been able to flirt with any girl or talk to any girl since. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.”
Okay, Danny, I have some similar embarrassing stories that I'll share with you.
My freshman year of high school, I was in a similar position. I had the biggest crush on this varsity soccer player. I found out that she lived in my neighborhood because she asked me for a ride home. I was thinking, "It's so on! She wants me." I had already asked her to be my girlfriend like, twice, and got rejected so, when she asked for a ride, I thought she was falling for me. After I dropped her off the first time she pulls her iPhone 6 out and I was like "Damn, she has an iPhone." because I was poor and had a flip phone. I put my number in. We start texting.
The next time she asked for a ride, I made the mistake of inviting myself into her house. I could tell it was really awkward, so, I didn't go in. She felt like I was forcing myself on to her. She stopped asking me for rides and I started texting her asking if I could take her home... I know. Beta as fuck. Out of fear that I was losing my chance, I made the executive decision to ask her to be my girlfriend, but I thought I needed to make it romantic. Like the Hollywood movies.
I bought a soccer ball from Dick's Sporting Goods it was a hot pink color. I took a Gold Sharpie marker and wrote something I liked about her in each of the hexagons that made the ball and in the center I wrote: "Will You Be My Girlfriend?" I also put in the gift bag that I was going to give to her this gorgeous Tanzanite trinity cut necklace that I won in South America.
I went to her house around 10 P.M. Walked up her back porch. Put the bag on the porch and her mom turns on the kitchen light. We barely made eye contact before I ducked and ran off, hiding behind a bush. She opens the door and sees this gift bag. Takes it inside, and I left it all to hope. I couldn't sleep a wink that night and I woke up the next morning to a paragraph from her basically saying, "Yeah I just don't have the time to date anybody right now." Then she sent pictures of the ball to people around school and let's just say that it was really embarrassing. (You get that entire story from the 'Banned Chapters' of my book in the sign ups section on the 'HOME' page).
Take a deep breath Danny. Here's something I've determined about you is that you have trouble letting go of the past. Basically your past drives your actions. I saw a post the other day quoting, "Four things that prevent you from happiness: 1) Living In The Past 2) Worrying About The Future 3) Not Counting Your Blessings 4) Comparing Yourself To Others"
Right now, you haven't been happy because you're breaking all 4 of those rules. The past doesn't define the future. You're worried that you'll never be good with the opposite sex. You're probably comparing yourself to the guys who are dating the cheerleaders, lowering your self esteem. BUT you're not realizing your blessing is that you've come to me. Let this help guide you. I know Danny that if I can do it, then you definitely can do it. BUT I must warn you that this technique that I'm going to share is VERY powerful. Usually I don't teach it because it's easy to get what you want easily with this and that becomes addicting to the wrong individuals.
There's a lot of dumb advice out there about be nice to her, spoil her, and then there's advice to be mean and push her away and it'll make it work. Sometimes the pushing and pulling works but when you're talking to and flirting with and building social circles with some of the hottest girls in the world then we know that one of the best ways to make them chase you is to disqualify them. Basically putting up a barrier of why you guys can't date, talk, or be together.
"The idea of a barrier - like in Romeo & Juliet where their families said they could never fall in love but that made them deeply desire each other even more. Putting some sort of barrier between you and her as to why you can't be together is like attraction on steroids."
- Waking The Core Of Man pg. 214
"The parents of the families separated the two of them and said they were never allowed to be together, but it only amplified their love for each other. If the families just let them have sex or do whatever then they probably would've just dated for a few months and then broken up without having to kill themselves."
- #WakingTheCoreOfMan pg. 162
Most guys are doing anything they can to get her. Buying her things, complimenting her, and being somebody they aren't. It's fake and manipulative. There's the guys who kiss a girl and try to keep getting a kiss, latching on to her but the neediness only pushes her away. But imagine what it's like for her when a man comes in and does the opposite. He almost pushes her away, and plants the seed of doubt, mystery, and curiosity.
If obsession is what you want then this is a key to that, but realize that getting her obsessed with you, a lot of the time, isn't as fun as it may look. I'm here to uplift others, not help people manipulate them.
But how do you use the barrier and disqualifying?
You don't normally disqualify at first, but during an interaction and after she's opened up slightly. Which means you first find her insecurities. Probe for them through conversation and let her open up to you. Find out her fears, her heartbreaks, and what runs through her mind.
She's shared some stories, and she's possibly told you that she wants to be a nurse or in the medical field and you're like, "That's really cool, but yes, business women. Business girls tend to be more risky and adventurous." Then directly after saying that, you go on to a different topic. It doesn't give her a chance to respond or process what you're saying. Which means it slips down into her subconscious. Basically, you're distracting the disqualifier and moving on to a different topic, but what happens later is the most interesting part. It's subtle. The language of making her obsess over you isn't about what you say to her, but it's about what's not said that makes her attraction build quickly. You didn't tell her that she's not adventurous or risky, but you're implying that.
She may start to think that you see her as boring, or you're uninterested for some reason since you implied that. But when you go home the next morning, or that night and you take that distraction away, then her focus comes back to what you said earlier and she starts to think about you. She's like, "Wait does that mean he doesn't like me?" She can't put her finger on exactly it was that's making her feel doubt. While she's pondering that then she's simultaneously becoming attracted because the more space in her mind that you take up - the more time you are present - the more value she places on you. Which means even more thinking and more value and before she knows it, she's hooked. You're basically pushing her away and what happens with a cat when it knows you want nothing to do with it? - It usually bothers YOU the MOST.
Be subtle with what you do and say, insinuate rather than directly communicate with women and you'll be way more attractive.
You can do it in basic conversation, or subtly during banter. For example, after a kiss, smirk, and say something like, "Don't expect anything to happen between us tonight." OR When she starts putting her hands on you: "Slow down, doll... I don't put out on the first date." OR after the kiss: "You are bad news."
BONUS TIP** Usually do the very opposite of what everyone else is doing and you'll be successful. Guys tend to chase too much, they don't let her go, but it's the letting her leave and miss you that grows attraction.
When she tells you where she works. "I could never date a (Insert her job: Waitress, etc.)" With a smirk, but to be flirtatious you could say, "I love blondes so much" when she is a brunette. If she is kind of loud or obnoxious when she's drunk, "It would never work between us, you're too high maintenance." OR if she's the opposite, "You're too innocent, I don't think you could handle me." Then she will feel challenged and starts to playfully argue with you building that sexual tension. Just to be playful, "Baby we'd be great together but you just can't afford me." OR "I'd give you a lap dance but I don't think you can afford me."
You can also take it away. i.e. "Oh my gosh, you make me want to...," Pause as if you slipped. "Well, never mind." She'll be like, "What! Tell me!"