Conversation with a woman who you're interested in and really like can tend to be a stressful situation, but it shouldn't be. Selna Kim - America's Face of Dating discusses great questions to ask whether that's meeting her in a cold approach pick up or your first date, but also great tips on not being the boring and shallow conversationalist that turns women off. You want to make her think. You want to spark so much interest and attraction with her that she can't help but think about you. Here's how you do it.
One of my favorite parts of the book The Game by Neil Strauss is when it's talked about how one of the pick up artists spent his twenties trying to get to know girls by asking these open-ended questions, strange questions, smart questions, or heart-felt questions thinking they would appreciate the interest. But they lost interest even more when he showed his interest. It's really because when you show too much interest from the start and just spew all of your emotions on to her when she isn't ready that's when she's like, "woah slow down dude." It also has to do with the fact that interrogation isn't seduction. When you start asking too many questions like, "What do you do for a living?", "Where are you from?", "Where did you go to school?" then it tends to make her feel like you don't really care about her for her, but asking that for anterior motives like to get into her pants.
My answers = --- BOLD ITALIC ---
Emailer = REGULAR
Selna Kim, I'm Tanner. I found you online a few days ago and I've dove deep into your work ever since. I wanted to take a chance and reach out to you with a question regarding a woman that I took out on a date a week ago. She hasn't texted or called since the date and I wanted to go through the date with you to see the things that I potentially did wrong or right that caused her to just completely stop talking to me. I got her to commit to the date on a Wednesday night, and we went out on a Saturday first to coffee and then we went that evening out to dinner. I texted her on Friday to make sure that we were still on for Saturday. --- (So, as a high value man, what do you think this says to her when you reach out to her and ask her if the date is still on? What you are sub-communicating to her - sub communication is the messages behind your words & actions - are that you probably don't get a lot of dates and you're used to girls blowing you off. Why else would reach out? Because you feared that she was going to cancel on you like other girls have. Now there are different ways to go about doing it i.e sending a text an hour before the date saying, "I may be about 5 minutes late, but can't wait!" just to make sure she's still going. But you should have the attitude that of course she's going to show up, and of course she wants to because you're a catch.) --- She said that we were and we went out to coffee first. During coffee I said that we should go out for dinner, and she told me that she could but she couldn't be long because she had to meet up with her friends that night. --- (It sounds like her interest was slowly decreasing for you. Basically, in woman-talk, this means, "I'm planting this seed so I have an excuse to bail later because right now you're not really doing it for me." In my book I talk about the color spectrum chart for attraction. Basically blue indicates a girl who wants nothing to do with you, makes excuses, barely texts you, etc. Green is where she's starting to warm up to you, but still isn't really interested. Yellow is somewhere in the middle where she's interested but could take it or leave it. Orange is where she's showing signs that she's really into you i.e touching you, laughing, playing with her hair, and more. Red is where she wants you, almost like she's in love or very close to it. The point to the date is to move her along the color spectrum to the orange-red zone. It sounds like she was in the orange zone at first, or else she couldn't have agreed to go out with you to begin with but over the course of the date, she slowly went back to the green zone and wanted to get out of there.) ---
I took her to Outback Steakhouse, but during dinner is where I began to notice that she was becoming really distant. She started to give me one word replies and every time I asked a question it usually resulted in an awkward silence. I started to ask more questions, and at the end of the date she said thank you for dinner and then kind of sped walked to her car when I tried to walk her to her car and get a kiss. I think it was how I handled the interaction during that made her act like that. Can you tell me what to really talk about on a date or what I could've done better that could've made her attracted?
--- (So, Tanner, I get asked, "What do you even talk about on a date or when you're trying to attract her?" That's where I catch a lot of people's mistake. NEWS FLASH - she's already attracted to you if she's out on the date with you. I talk about in my book Waking The Core Of Man that attraction already exists in the woman from the start, and you only reveal or uncover her attraction as the conversation progresses.
Seduction and attraction are almost like a game in the way that the more tests you pass, the more you "power-up" in essence. The more you pass her tests and break her walls down then the more attractive and valuable you look in her eyes.
Remember this formula:
QSA - Question , Story , Assumption
You don't want to bombard her with questions because then she feels interrogated. When someone feels interrogated then they are experiencing what emotion? Pain. You want to be the source of good emotions, so when they associate pain with you then you are causing her to lose attraction. I'm going to supply you with a few questions, but remember that a GREAT conversation never goes in a straight line. It looks like a jumbled mess. But follow QSA to solidify that connection.
Examples & Strong Date Question:
1. What's your favorite vacation spot?
Her: (Says answer, in this case let's say the Bahamas.) - Depending on her interest she may talk or tell or story, just listen. Throw in comments now and then. Start talking about your own story that you want to throw in there.
You: (Story* - In this case I'd tell the story about how I've always wanted to visit the Bahamas, but when we went on a cruise there when I was a little kid we couldn't dock because it was too windy. Therefore, my dream to visit there as a kid was shattered when I watched the island shrink while the ship sailed away.)
Her: (She'll probably add on to the conversation or say, "Aw".) Midway through her answers and talking, go into the final process of the assumption.
You: (Assumption* Also Known As the 'Cold Read'. I'd say something along the lines of, "I feel like when you were a little kid, you were the type of girl who either always wanted to be a princess for halloween or wanted to go to Disney World.") - This will do multiple things including; make her curious as to why you've said that, adds fire to the conversation, makes her feel like you're full attention is on her, and is a witty/flirty comment.
There are also tests, witty games to play, stories, and more in Waking The Core Of Man that will 10x her interest for you in a matter of minutes. Make sure you get that AND read it so you're prepared for next time.
Other Great Date Questions: (Practice the formula QSA for each)
2. What's your go-to restaurant?
3. If there was an Olympics for everyday activities then what would you have a chance at winning a medal at?
4. Cutest Animal vs. The Ugliest Animal?
5. If you could give everyone in the world 1 thing what would it be?
6. How have you changed since you were in high school?
7. What's expensive but totally worth it?
8. What (small) decision made a huge impact on your life?